I walk to the point of forgiveness.
Arriving in St. Jean was glorious, as was the sun! Straight away I met a kindredsoul and I thought... This is right. This is good. This is where I am meant to be. At the pilgrim's office we were welcomed with great gusto. I am grateful for having chosen to walk in March, tho I'd like to believe that they are that hospitable even when overrun with pilgrims. "Forbidden! Forbidden! Forbidden!" He said, as he stamped a big red X multiple times across the mountain pass. Well! Decision made then. I would not be climbing the Pyrenees. I was disappointed, but I have accepted it. I am glad that he took such great care with us, to keep us safe.
People from all over the world gathered at the albergue to rest before setting off for Santiago. These people - the "Caminunity" - I have grown to love so much. Rain was expected all day, but after some debating it was decided that we'd rather be walking in it than sitting in town wishing that we'd walked. Besides, rain on the first day is good luck... in my experience.
Crossing the boarder of France and Spain was anticlimactic. I missed it, but I guess it was at the point when rain turned to ice and then to snow! Roncevalles was reporting "the most extreme weather" when we arrived. I made a snow angel with my backpack still on. Hot cho-cho and warmhearts were waiting inside.
Again with the knee deep "sNOOOw" all the way to Zubiri, but we had a bit of sun toward the end of that day. And by Pamplona it felt like we had walked to meet the sun. I have had some time to walk alone, and tho I love this company dearly, it was really good to be alone with my thoughts, especially as I approached the point of forgiveness - Alto del Perdón
When I got to the Alto del Perdón I was aware of its meaning and thought, "who have I to forgive?" None came to mind so I finished my lunch and started down the other side of the mountain.
Am I a Jedi Master yet? No. No, because when I started to go down the mountain something did not feel right. I had to go back up again.
I am the hardest on myself. You know what "they" say, you are your own worst critic? I am very critical of myself and realized that it was I who needed forgiving - from myself. When I am not loving myself I am not at my greatest capacity for loving others and I am not walking in love. So, the next day I chose to walk in forgiveness. And I made a list.
I forgive caring too much I forgive attachment I forgive avoidance I forgive running from fear I forgive anxiety I forgive being indecisive I forgive the decisions I make I forgive imperfection I forgive overthinking I forgive my overzealous heart I forgive my guarded heart I forgive not relinquishing control I forgive my own hurtful remarks I forgive awkwardness I forgive the struggle to communicate I forgive misunderstanding I forgive shame I forgive forgetting vulnerability works I forgive believing the lie that I am unloved I AM LOVED I AM FORGIVEN "When all was finished, I was empty. Nothing was fighting in my mind anymore. I looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and saw its capacity. I saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all of those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. It's love was infinite." Eat Pray Love
His mercies are new every morning!!!!
Be well. Walk in love.
